A lot has happened since I created this page...

... and some of it was not good... not good at all. However, in that vulnerable state I felt it necessary to try and balance out the negativity with something positive... something for someone other than myself, even though the goal in that moment WAS to try and help myself feel better. And, in due time, things DID get better.

Let me explain: The Wednesday that I created this blog page I found out I had destroyed my daily driver. Now, you might think 'oh well, a truck is a truck, you can always find another' and in most cases you'd be right... but this truck took so much out of me... financially, emotionally, psychologically... I put so much into it that most people would consider my actions of the last two years of owning it to be... not quite sane. To be frank, they'd be right.

When I came across it two years ago, I thought 'FINALLY! I've found my dream vehicle!' A large, black Ford SUV with no rust (It is from NC) So, I test drove it, fell in love, and within a few days bought it and drove it home. It was looked over by my mechanic, and everything seemed in order... for a time, anyhow. Then the trouble started a few months later.

I was working about a half hour north of where I live, in a town with a Ford dealership, so I figured 'Hey, I'd like to give this thing the absolute best possible care I can give it!' so, I set up an appointment and took it in a couple weeks later for a tune up... or, what I thought would be just a 'tune up' ... OH, did it turn out to be SO much more than that...

Within two trips to that dealership in two months' time I managed to rack up over $5,000 in repairs alone... after paying $7,500 to buy the thing... so... right out of the gate I knew I'd been had by the small town used car dealer that I had bought it from... but being someone who worked full time in a high-profile restaurant... someone who needed a vehicle no matter what... I pressed on with it, trying to just... bury the fact that I had already spent 2\3 what I paid for thing in repairs alone... and, as you might've guessed, that was only the beginning.

Fast-forward to the end of this winter, the last major repair I had done to it got me right up to $7,500 in repairs, total. WITHIN TWO YEARS OF OWNING IT.

You might think 'Well, what the hell? Why didn't you just unload it from the beginning???' Because. When you have an attachment to something right out of the gate the tendency is to put everything on the line for it, regardless of how ridiculous it might be in anyone else's eyes. Think of the amount of people who continue to deal with jobs or relationships that are undoubtedly unhealthy for them, but they stay for this reason or that. I had developed feelings for this damn truck and thought EVENTUALLY I might reach a point where I didn't have to keep dumping money into it.

This past December, however... that's when the rattle started. A rattle that could've been so many different things... maybe heat shield, perhaps loose exhaust. My family mechanic thought it was THIS, another mechanic thought it might be THAT... but, it was the middle of winter, and after you've spent such an asinine amount on something, is your first thought to go spend more?? No... instead I just kept driving... and driving... and it kept rattling, and rattling.

The thing is, despite the rattle, the truck ran fine, as it always has. Most of the major repairs that were done had nothing to do with either the motor or the transmission, and that's why I didn't mind spending the money... I figured 'Well, I think I'll have this beast long enough to eventually pay it off and pay the credit card off just fine' So, even though I was burying myself, I really thought I had more time.

Now we come up into May... I was driving into work a few Saturdays ago, and as I was accelerating out of an intersection, the inevitable happened. It felt like the driveshaft disconnected, and it sputtered to a stop. Now, based on what one guy had told me MIGHT be the case, I wasn't really that concerned. The part he said might be bad would eventually fail, it wouldn't cost an insane amount to fix, and neither the motor nor transmission would be affected. Okay by me!

Then, the following Wednesday, the mechanic I had it towed to gave me a call... and with three words my psyche crumbled...

'Catastrophic Engine Failure'

Turns out the rattle I had been hearing was the timing chain... It blew apart inside the engine, taking out a bunch of critical parts, rendering it undrivable... 'You're looking at about $6,000 in repairs, my friend. Needs an engine replacement'

....

................

I almost didn't believe it. I couldn't. In an instant all the ideas, the dreams I had of taking the truck up to Maine someday, or across country in general... camping in the back, doing some light-duty overlanding... all of it fell apart. This entire list of camping gear I had saved in my Amazon wish list? Suddenly, none of it mattered. I was crushed.

That night is when I decided I needed a diversion from the horrific place my mindset had gone to... I was really struggling to dig myself out of the pit of despair I had fallen into... the magnitude of regret I felt was immeasurable. So, the creation of this blog happened. It gave me something to focus on. It gave me purpose in that moment. I am so glad I did this, even though that night was the last time I even opened this page.

The fact of the matter is that you should always find something else to focus on when you're at your lowest. As much as the hurt and pain may try to keep you from it, you have to push forward. I was not well for days after that... but I knew to take it day by day, hang onto the littlest of joys in life, knowing that eventually things will turn around...

And they did, they REALLY did.

The following weekend the hunt began for a new vehicle. I pulled all the money out of my Robinhood app and searched high and low for a worthy replacement. I knew I had to keep my expectations reasonable, but I was not going to just settle for any old car either. There were many options in my price range... went and looked at a couple in fact, but unfortunately both cars I looked at were just... not IT. One ran really well, but was physically a wreck, the next one looked a little better, but was raining fluids on the seller's driveway. I thought 'okay... I might be driving one of the parents' vehicles for a while, then. Maybe the time isn't right to be looking all that hard for a replacement.'

Last Sunday was Father's Day. I had been refreshing Craigslist here and there throughout the morning, and my anxiety was starting to get the best of me. Some of what I was coming across would've been perfect had they not been in other states. I was considering having things shipped for another several hundred dollars... When things get desperate you can't rule out any possibilities. Then right as I was about to give up, I refreshed the page again... and that's when I saw it: a presumably perfect option. Condition seemed sound, it was Japanese, and the price was damn near perfect. I messaged the seller, and the next day went to go test drive it.

The vehicle in question was nearly an hour away in the city east of where I live. The seller didn't give me his name nor his cell phone number; we communicated exclusively via email, which struck me as odd, but I went along with it because he was giving me the right responses to the questions I was asking.

When my best friend and I arrived at the address, I got out and walked over to it... looked underneath it, looked inside it... It was roughly 90 degrees that day, but the heat had no impact on how excited I became... I believed I had found THE ONE. Then the seller walks out of his house...

It was an elderly chap... quite an odd fellow, but I didn't sense any dishonesty from the look in his eyes. He gave me a bit of history on it, and we took it for a ride... once again, that feeling of love blossomed up inside me. Three days later I gave him the rest of the money, registered it in my name, and drove it home. Now, I realize that I have a lot of debt thanks to that truck, but I am keen on not letting that get to me. I've worked out a budget plan to try and tackle all of that, and I'm dead set on sticking to it. Always got to devise a plan, my friends. I would've been happy with the fact that I'd found a worthy vehicle, but lady luck was not through with me yet.

The same day I brought the car home I got a call about a job I've been trying to get involved with for months... and last Saturday I worked this job and fell in love with that too... so you see, the age old saying 'what goes down must come back up' rings true in just about any circumstance. I held onto hope, even when everything seemed so hopeless. Within two weeks of bottoming out I've been able to climb back to a better state... I'm feeling damn good at the moment, and I'm so glad I didn't just give up and stay in the hole I'd fallen in! Hopefully things continue to look up! Check back with this page soon ;)

CFB